Day One

It's the first day of my summer break and I am full to the bursting with good intentions. Last night I made a list of things to do and stuck it on the window above my desk. It feel down after less than an hour, with an even number of items crossed off as left untouched, but that should change. Two of the tasks left involve electronic communication, and I should get to those tonight. Responding to an email from a new friend should not need to be on a to do list, it should be autimatic, I should have done it days ago. True fact: I'm bad at communicating. Truer fact: I'm bad at peopling, whatever that means.

My goal is to use this summer in a productive and enjoyable manner. I'm not entirely sure what that means yet. It would be nice to make more money than I spend. It would be nice to connect with the great outdoors instead of hiding away in the air conditioning day after day. I know I don't want to get rained on. I want to spend time with my girls, I want to read a lot of books, I want to write a lot of things. (This here is part of that last desire. I'm going to be a better blogger this summer, for real this time, I'm not just saying this. I'm going to update regularly and coherently. Really!)

My plans and hopes for the summer don't include a lot of people so far, and that's how I like it. People take energy, and I want to use my energy in ways that don't make me miserable. People don't make me miserable, not all the time, but they can, and right now thinking about people and having to be around people and having to interact with people, all of these people related things, they are causing me a fair amount of anxiety, more anxiety than I need.

Thinking about how little I like people has made me begin to start dreading the dinner party I have to attend tomorrow night. Before I had only been unenthusiastic, now I have active negative emotions about the event. I've spent tonight at home, mostly writing, reading, and hanging out with my cat. She's execellent company.

Oh god, I sound crazy. Like, a different kind of crazy than usual.

-The only thing I cooked today was sugar wax. I overboiled it twice, and gave up on the idea for now.

-I finished reading Kraken, by China Mieville. It was awesome. I read more of Canda's Game: Hockey and Identity, which is interesting. I started reading Kurt Vonnegut's The Sirens of Titans, and so far it's great, as expected. There was plenty of reading, it felt like an accomplishment.

-The wifi connection has been unreliable, which is sad.

-I finished the second season of Lost Girl, and it was good but not great.

dinosaurs bc why not

weird moment of the day: ran into the boy i went on dates with last year. only like three, so not a boyfriend, but the only boy i've ever gone on dates with. it took me three weeks to realize i really did not want to date him, like, at all, wanted actively not to date him. so i told him that i didn't want to date him, but didn't really explain myself very well, but it's kind of hard to say I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A VERY QUALITY PERSON without sounding mean, especially when you're as bad at talking about feelings as I am. but that's last year.
I was sitting in the saint paul student center, computing, tumblring, because this is my life goddamnit, and he walked up to me and said something about how it would be strange if I was living on the saint paul campus again, and i said yeah, it would be, which is why i'm not, i was just there bc of asl. then I looked back down into my computer. I never took my headphones out.
why the hell did he talk to me?
I made it pretty clear that I don't like him. is this a normal part of human interaction that I'm failing at? my sense is that you don't talk to people with contexts like this. i have seen him around and purposely not talked to him before. I have purposely gone out of my way to for sure not talk to him.
anyway. hopefully I will never have to talk to him again, but I thought that last december so...yeah. that was weird today.