fuck I just can't write this paper tonight. or anything. fuck it all.
NO I SHOULD BE DOING POSITIVE THINKING, I CAN TOALLY WRITE THIS PAPER AND ALL THE THINGS, BUT THAT IS TOTALLY NEW AGE BULLSHIT.
ugh. faces.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
theory
I think people have blogs so they can write something when they're supposed to be writing something else. Like, I should be writing the response I have due tomorrow, or the paper I have due the day after, but I'm not. I'm just writing this blog that nobody is going to read. Writing this blog feels productive in a way that reading fanfiction or thinking about what classes I want to take in the spring or looking for the perfect thing to buy my girlfriend for her birthday. Writing this blog means that in a few minutes there will be a written blog. In a few minutes I will be able to say "I wrote a blog" when somebody asks why I wasn't writing my paper. Blogs are tums to the churning nausea of procrastination.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
hope
maybe if I throw all my words up here I'll be able to use them for something useful later on. I have things to say but can't commit them to paper or digital documents. I just feel unmotivated, only not really. I feel over motivated. the pressure to write things, to finish things, is driving expectations too high. It makes me want to bite my fingers. i need better coping strategies. i need better light sources. i need to write an english paper for wenesday, and a response for queering theory, and blogging for school is just the worst idea ever. seriously, they should ban that shit now, before it hurts my grades. ha ha ha no really, blogging is the worst.
Friday, November 02, 2012
insomnia diary november 2
that was terrible.
i don't have classes on fridays so theoretically i could stay up and sleep in as long as i want, even though that's a dumb idea. I had good intentions, I swear I did, but well...
It didn't work.
The last time I saw the clock it was quarter after four. I didn't want to be awake, i just couldn't make myself go to bed. it wasn't helped by mother waking up in the middle of the night, but if i had been asleep already that wouldn't have mattered.
I must have been asleep by around five because I didn't notice my dad leaving for work.
woken up before eleven by mother singing. not fun. sat up when my alarm went off, but didn't manage to get out of bed until around 2. total failure at having a day.
No dreams, but right before I feel asleep I did realize what was missing from my story so I can write that now, which is good. silver lining. doesn't feel like much.
I might stay up all night on saturday or sunday to kick myself into having better sleep pattern, but I don't know if that's possible.
The other idea is to try one of the weird pattern things a friend of mine was talking about during the summer, sleeping less throughout the day, instead of all at night. that might be interesting? or at least, if this doesn't work, it would be an exciting new kind of disaster. I'll have to ask him how his experiments went.
i don't have classes on fridays so theoretically i could stay up and sleep in as long as i want, even though that's a dumb idea. I had good intentions, I swear I did, but well...
It didn't work.
The last time I saw the clock it was quarter after four. I didn't want to be awake, i just couldn't make myself go to bed. it wasn't helped by mother waking up in the middle of the night, but if i had been asleep already that wouldn't have mattered.
I must have been asleep by around five because I didn't notice my dad leaving for work.
woken up before eleven by mother singing. not fun. sat up when my alarm went off, but didn't manage to get out of bed until around 2. total failure at having a day.
No dreams, but right before I feel asleep I did realize what was missing from my story so I can write that now, which is good. silver lining. doesn't feel like much.
I might stay up all night on saturday or sunday to kick myself into having better sleep pattern, but I don't know if that's possible.
The other idea is to try one of the weird pattern things a friend of mine was talking about during the summer, sleeping less throughout the day, instead of all at night. that might be interesting? or at least, if this doesn't work, it would be an exciting new kind of disaster. I'll have to ask him how his experiments went.
Thursday, November 01, 2012
insomnia diary november 1, 2012
got home from the halloween party around 11, very tired. could have dazed off against C's shoulder if the conversation had stopped for long. got into bed/pjs/teeth brushed before midnight. didn't go to sleep. tired. but didn't turn of the lights / close the computer / act like a reasonable person.
last time I saw a clock it was about quarter to three. didn't sleep for a while after that.
woke up around seven thirty, but thought it was much latter. didn't look at my clock for a while. expected the alarm to go off any time so didn't try very hard to fall back to sleep. finally did get up, saw the time. my mom was still in bed. stole the cat from her. ivy didn't want to cuddle.
I went back to bed. don't know if I fell back asleep. really got up around ten ten. could have stayed in bed longer, but did the responsible thing and got to campus early for a lunch thing. cookie for breakfast, pizza for lunch. oh, college.
just did the math, got a minimum of four solid hours asleep. that is unacceptable.
argh.
no dreams i remember. no notable anxieties. but i do wish i had given C a kiss goodnight. yeah, there were people around, but they're were our friends, and it should be comfortable. ugh. feelings.
don't have to wake up for any time tomorrow, need to determine if it's better to let myself catch up on sleep, or continue to enforce some kind of alarm.
last time I saw a clock it was about quarter to three. didn't sleep for a while after that.
woke up around seven thirty, but thought it was much latter. didn't look at my clock for a while. expected the alarm to go off any time so didn't try very hard to fall back to sleep. finally did get up, saw the time. my mom was still in bed. stole the cat from her. ivy didn't want to cuddle.
I went back to bed. don't know if I fell back asleep. really got up around ten ten. could have stayed in bed longer, but did the responsible thing and got to campus early for a lunch thing. cookie for breakfast, pizza for lunch. oh, college.
just did the math, got a minimum of four solid hours asleep. that is unacceptable.
argh.
no dreams i remember. no notable anxieties. but i do wish i had given C a kiss goodnight. yeah, there were people around, but they're were our friends, and it should be comfortable. ugh. feelings.
don't have to wake up for any time tomorrow, need to determine if it's better to let myself catch up on sleep, or continue to enforce some kind of alarm.
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