paper

fuck I just can't write this paper tonight. or anything. fuck it all.

NO I SHOULD BE DOING POSITIVE THINKING, I CAN TOALLY WRITE THIS PAPER AND ALL THE THINGS, BUT THAT IS TOTALLY NEW AGE BULLSHIT.

ugh. faces.

theory

I think people have blogs so they can write something when they're supposed to be writing something else. Like, I should be writing the response I have due tomorrow, or the paper I have due the day after, but I'm not. I'm just writing this blog that nobody is going to read. Writing this blog feels productive in a way that reading fanfiction or thinking about what classes I want to take in the spring or looking for the perfect thing to buy my girlfriend for her birthday. Writing this blog means that in a few minutes there will be a written blog. In a few minutes I will be able to say "I wrote a blog" when somebody asks why I wasn't writing my paper. Blogs are tums to the churning nausea of procrastination.

hope

maybe if I throw all my words up here I'll be able to use them for something useful later on. I have things to say but can't commit them to paper or digital documents. I just feel unmotivated, only not really. I feel over motivated. the pressure to write things, to finish things, is driving expectations too high. It makes me want to bite my fingers. i need better coping strategies. i need better light sources. i need to write an english paper for wenesday, and a response for queering theory, and blogging for school is just the worst idea ever. seriously, they should ban that shit now, before it hurts my grades. ha ha ha no really, blogging is the worst.

insomnia diary november 2

that was terrible.
i don't have classes on fridays so theoretically i could stay up and sleep in as long as i want, even though that's a dumb idea. I had good intentions, I swear I did, but well...
It didn't work.
The last time I saw the clock it was quarter after four. I didn't want to be awake, i just couldn't make myself go to bed. it wasn't helped by mother waking up in the middle of the night, but if i had been asleep already that wouldn't have mattered.
I must have been asleep by around five because I didn't notice my dad leaving for work.
woken up before eleven by mother singing. not fun. sat up when my alarm went off, but didn't manage to get out of bed until around 2. total failure at having a day.
No dreams, but right before I feel asleep I did realize what was missing from my story so I can write that now, which is good. silver lining. doesn't feel like much.
I might stay up all night on saturday or sunday to kick myself into having better sleep pattern, but I don't know if that's possible.
The other idea is to try one of the weird pattern things a friend of mine was talking about during the summer, sleeping less throughout the day, instead of all at night. that might be interesting? or at least, if this doesn't work, it would be an exciting new kind of disaster. I'll have to ask him how his experiments went.

insomnia diary november 1, 2012

got home from the halloween party around 11, very tired. could have dazed off against C's shoulder if the conversation had stopped for long. got into bed/pjs/teeth brushed before midnight. didn't go to sleep. tired. but didn't turn of the lights / close the computer / act like a reasonable person.
last time I saw a clock it was about quarter to three. didn't sleep for a while after that.
woke up around seven thirty, but thought it was much latter. didn't look at my clock for a while. expected the alarm to go off any time so didn't try very hard to fall back to sleep. finally did get up, saw the time. my mom was still in bed. stole the cat from her. ivy didn't want to cuddle.
I went back to bed. don't know if I fell back asleep. really got up around ten ten. could have stayed in bed longer, but did the responsible thing and got to campus early for a lunch thing. cookie for breakfast, pizza for lunch. oh, college.
just did the math, got a minimum of four solid hours asleep. that is unacceptable.
argh.
no dreams i remember. no notable anxieties. but i do wish i had given C a kiss goodnight. yeah, there were people around, but they're were our friends, and it should be comfortable. ugh. feelings.
don't have to wake up for any time tomorrow, need to determine if it's better to let myself catch up on sleep, or continue to enforce some kind of alarm.

insomnia diary 10/31/12

didn't sleep well, no surprise. started feeling tired around two, but still had to take a bath. that was nice, hot water, stupid book. didn't open my computer up again.

tried to sleep. both curtains closed, eye mask on. didn't happen. got up a few times, but didn't reopen the computer. think i brushed my teeth twice?

last time I remember seeing a clock it was 3:15.

weird dreams. about friends and breasts and cheese. i don't know. are my dreams supposed to tell me things? i hope not.

woke up naturally just before ten, still tired. went back to bed for another forty five minutes. don't know if I slept. turned the alarm off, didn't get up right away, but I was brushing my teeth by 11:11, clapped for good luck. forgot to make a wish. all of my wishes should be about getting enough sleep.

woke up with an upset stomach. felt too ill to catch a bus to be on time for american lit discussion. probably feel good enough to leave now, only i haven't done the reading for shakespeare and i hate that class, so probably not going. is a legit life choice. plus, i might start feeling sick again. that seems likely/possible.

haven't eaten anything today except tums and toothpaste.

happy halloween.

25 september

oh god I don't even know what's happening with this day.  I have the start of a cold and most of my american lit lecture just passed straight through my brain without sticking, then I walked over here and my brain was much too loud, i didn't know what was happening, I kept on seeing things and making associations, all the other times i've walked around here, there was a boy with a blackhawks hoodie, there were too many people on bicycles, it was not good brain times. It was twitchy. But then I got to coffman and saw the picture of the replacements smoking in the elevator and then things were better. Now I'm in the basement computer lab listening to the 'mats on youtube, and spreading my feelings to the internet, and i feel a lot better about stuff. thanks internet, thanks indie rock, for being there for me.

information

let's tell stories

I wrote this as an email to C. before realizing that it made a damned fine blog post, so the conversations refereed to  are with her, though I will be happy to have these conversations with you mysterious internet non-people




so I don't know if you know who Frank Ocean is? He's a sort of r&b singer who's a part of Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All who are this kind of nuts crew. The person from Odd Future I've heard the most about had been Tyler the Creator. I heard that he was pretty good, maybe something to check out, maybe, if I wanted to deal with some juvenile homophobic bullshit, which I didn't. I'd listened to a few Frank Ocean songs too, but mostly decided to ignore Odd Future's music and keep an eye on their antics.

Then Frank Ocean came out. Which was...woah. A big deal, because he's on the brink of being a big deal, and there hasn't been someone in that position before.

I think that this really connects to our ongoing discussion of gay rappers and what rap can be. (Did you know we've been having that discussion? because we sort of have, every time we've marveled at what strange new things our hometown has produced).

Also, he didn't just "come out." He didn't sit down with a journalist and say "I'm gay." He didn't say that at all. He released a paragraph he wrote about the first time he had been in love. And it's remarkable. You should read it and some really good commentary HERE.

The commentary there talks about him being a story teller, as a songwriter and a person, and how that relates to him outing himself. He's eschewing the conventional narrative and the role that's expected of him and telling his own story, which I find much more interesting.

I love this statement so much because it's eschewing conventional coming out narratives and simple identity categories and instead sharing human experience.

Here is Ocean's new single which I am enjoying quiete a bit:

the title of this post is really very very long just like the title of a Fiona Apple album, only not nearly as epic, not even close.

I have listened to Fiona Apple's new album so many times in the past weeks. A ridiculous number of times, in part because Spotify is going all spiny rainbow of death when I try to listen to anything else. I'm taking this as a sign that the universe really wants me to listen to this album repeatedly, which is fine,  because it's excellent.

this is probably my favorite track.

Positive Influences in Eyeliner

So I was looking at things on Tumblr earlier and it was giving me all of these positive feelings about Davey Havok, who isn't someone who comes across my radar very often anymore, but who is really great. He wears glitter and has great hair! I didn't have the same understanding of stuff in middle school that I do now but his whole persona is very queer and enticing. Also, it was this tiny little Q&A he did with Rolling Stone that a friend pointed out to me that introduced me to Straight Edge, for which I am incredibly greatful.
I think what my point is that we don't have to grow out of our heroes. It's true that I don't listen to AFI as much as I did when I was fourteen, but that doesn't mean they I don't care. We can carry our heroes with us. There's one impulse to leave behind "childish things" as we move on, but I think it makes more sense to keep them around. They may not mean the exact same thing, but they still mean something special to us.
So thanks, Davey Havok. When I was fourteen you were the best thing ever, and now that I'm older, you're still pretty great.

i am the worst at blogs

like really, I am. I have good intentions, but then I don't do anything, and then I feel bad about doing nothing so I do more nothing.

but i'm gonna do better this time, I swear. something here everyday, even if it's something dull. better than nothing, right?

Picture of the day

this is already creepy, but I'm sleep deprived so it is the most terrifying thing ever. for real.

Picture of the day

This is Seneca Crane from the Hunger Games movie. Look at his beard and be awed.

I want a hockey player to attempt to recreate this as a play off beard, because that would be EPIC.

Everything about his beard is epic. it is the best beard in the world. 

or, ahem, the best beard as in facial hair.

INFO-GRAPHIC WIN~

poetry

I don't have much to say right this moment, but I've felt like a bad blogger, so here is a poem I've been enjoying lately.
It's by Alex Dimitrov, my new literary gay-boy crush.

YOU ARE THE PARTY I WANT TO GO TO

Dottie Lasky, it’s so funny how we met at a party
and we both hate parties and we both love
men who talk about their feelings,

especially if we talk about them to each other,
not the feelings but the men,
those men, they’re best when hopelessly

in love with us and crying
with their little mouths wide open.
I love a woman who can make men cry.

Well, it’s true, I want to have a thousand dinners with you!
And it’s true, I hope we’re never cool,
I hope we call each other just to gossip always.

Dottie Lasky, it’s the beginning of a story,
of a friendship, of celebrations without parties.
You are the party I want to go to, baby.

link

It's such a friendship love poem, and I love my friends, and don't like parties, but having friends is like having parties, even when we're doing nothing, and just....hearts. yeah. sure.

nothing to be afraid of

I just read Fear Itself, Marvel's latest super event, and I was really pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed it. There were themes. I felt emotions. The art was good. It made sense. You can't count on those things in events. It made me a little bit less cynical about the whole thing for a moment.

...but then again, they've got X-Men vs. Avengers coming up next, and I really don't see how that won't be a disaster.

comics?

Last year I was crazy into comic books. It was part of my weekly routine. I picked up probably at least three books a week. Now I don't think I've been in a comic book shop since this fall.
There are outside reasons for this, like the closure of my favorite store (Double Danger R.I.P.), being in college, having less money and time, but most importantly the things I cared about disappeared.

This mostly has to do with DC comics and the New 52. (I have mail subscriptions for the Marvel titles I love, and am actually happier reading creator owned comics in trade.) Before September I had been reading Birds of Prey, Secret Six, and Batman Inc. New 52 happened and those books stopped, or changed dramatically. A lot of the New 52 titles look really great, especially Batwoman, but I never got in the habit of picking them up. I didn't feel like reinvesting in a universe that was liable to suddenly reinvent itself.

Here is what this comic reader is looking for: consistency. I want to see characters behaving in ways that make sense for them. I want the to develop and grow. I love how comics are long-long-long form serialzed storytelling, but this doesn't matter if the world gets restarted every few years. I don't care if characters get old. I would rather see them deal with their past than have events I care about get erased.

There are other reasons to be annoyed about comics, especially the representation or lack of women, people of color, and queer people, but that isn't why I stopped reading comics. If anything wanting to support good representations is part of what got me following certain comics to begin with. I get invested in characters, but then when they: disappear, get retooled, get ignored, forgotten, dismissed, etc, I have to step back, and keep my money in my pocket.

Comic companies need to realize that getting new readers isn't there only concern, and stop being dicks so they keep people who are already fans.

tackling big things

I just started knitting a sweater. It is very frightening. It's going to eventually be an actual garment that a baby will wear. I know all of the stitches but the whole concept/assembly/thing is much more complicated. It's stressful and exciting.
yay!
sweater!

for broken ears

I've been doing quasi-academic writing about fandom!
happy tuesday!

Overwhelming Charm

I watched the entire first season of Justified today, and over all, I really enjoyed it. It was well made, compelling, structurally sound television with great acting. This conclusion is in no way radical. Neither is my main quibble, that it is so focused on it's hero to a point that all other characters are neglected.

Spoliers to follow.

Raylan is really awesome. I completely buy into the belief of his general awesomeness, which is the main hook for the show. Every member of the audience wants to be him or screw him or both. He's a nuanced anti-hero and obviously the leading man.
The problem is that in his shadows smaller characters don't grow so well.
Raylan's love interests Ava and Winona are both a little flat, and are only ever shown in relationship to their involvement with Raylan and other men.
His colleagues Tim and Rachel are intriguing, but unexplored. His boss, Art, has more screen time and development than the other too, but could still use fleshing out.

It's a rare breed of show where one off characters have chances to become more nuanced than returning supporting players. I appreciate the depth in the weekly stories, but it's puzzling, and I'd expect that character who reappar would get their time first.

The one character who really compares to Raylan's presence is Boyd, who is a wonderful balance of psychotic, confused, idealistic, and nuts. Boyd is awesome.

I hope that season two does more with the existing characters.

!!

Is watching slash vids for school. This is why I love college. Because vids! Kirk and Spok and Firefly! This is already what I am thinking about! Now I get to think about it for a grade!

love love love love love = my brain on coffee and fandom

Fairy Tales

So, I started watching Once Upon A Time, and am now caught up. Thoughts. There shall be spoilers.

• I like how there are lots of female characters and they all manage to be fairly badass. Still, they talk a lot about boys, because Henry is a boy, so I'm not entirely sure if it's a Bechdel pass. Still, just the amount of female characters makes me happy.
• There are also boys! Graham had such an amazing accent, then he died, and I was sad, but then Eoin Bradley from Band of Brothers showed up and I was less sad. Go shows that have cool women and cute boys!
• About Graham's death: did not want. Not just that I'm sadened, but it seemed like a waste. I don't believe in killing characters when they could still to something interesting. His death seemed wasted as a plot point, unless they're planning on bringing him back. Which would rock, but would be hard to explain.
• Also Graham's death wrecked what I wanted from the fandom, which is lots of fluffy stories with summaries like "Henry has two Mommies, and they have a Sheriff, and he has a Wolf." So it's probably a good thing I don't write fic?
• Regina needs to be eviler. I think that she's evil in sort of a shallow way. Like, seriously evil, but we don't really see much, because, well, it's a family show.
• It really is a family show, but only for biological families. I am actually upset at how this show continually values genetic connection and disregards the ideas of found families. That just isn't how I operate, and also feel that it's slightly offensive to all of the wonderful blended, unconventional families that are around.

take good care of yourself

Back at school tomorrow, argh. classes don't start til tuesday but have to do the whole re-moving/settling/locating/textbook thing. not excited.
Well, yes excited, but skeptically. If given another week would probably be prepared to murder the parents, and that's not good. So, excited? It's all in the question mark.

This is me giving my self some advice for the next semester because I learned a lot since September and need to get my thoughts organized. It's good advice in general though, and I'd advise considering following it even if you aren't me.

ADVICE

• take care of your skin and your hair and your body. It's the only one you get.
• Don't spend time with people you don't like very much because it's convenient. I've met some great new people and have best friends who I love with all my heart, but there are also a lot of people who I don't need to share my time with. As an introvert I need to recognize that there is nothing unhealthy about being alone and that it's definitely preferable to being with people I don't like.
• Speak up. Be yourself. This ties directly into the item above.
• Don't go on dates with boys who could vote Republican. See above.

Also, fuck my wrist. I've been knitting a lot and using my computer at stupid angles and then babying it at different odd angles and it just sucks. I am like Queen sXe uptight about medication but really think I am going to take some pain killer before bed because it hurts like a motherfucker.

You can tell I'm in pain because I'm swearing more. Actually, I just want to cuss at my wrist like my dad does when the kitchen drawers attack. Only I'm afraid it will scare the cat, and we wouldn't want that.

I will miss her so much when I go back to school. She is my baby. She was created for me to pick up and carry around. Absolutely. Don't listen to anything she meows to the contrary. I am the person in this situation so I know what is going on.

Now my wrist is making me type weird, so that's all.

Stay beautiful!